And I Knew But I Never KNEW …

I’ve realized … up close now … that no one is who they seem. Pretty obvious realization, right? But I wonder who pays attention.

I go to a bar … one bar … a lot. And so do many of us. We jokingly refer to it as our small town combination of Cheers and Vegas. Because yes, everyone knows one another’s names. And yes, what happens there stays there … but there’s an interesting twist I’ve become more attuned to as … well hell … yes … as I am more sober now … as I watch more acutely.

We all know one another’s name, but few know each other’s pain. And it’s becoming increasingly evident.

Last week I was beckoned. By a fellow member of the tribe. And I was nearby.

I parked in back, as “we” do … and went into a seemingly empty bar. I knew where they were … on the patio … in the back … where the smoking and drinking are both allowed.

It was 3 p.m. And there were six outside, all of whom I knew. And none of whom were talking. Each one had his mobile device … texting, checking e-mail or just looking … maybe for what was coming or what wasn’t ever really there.

“I see we brought our phones to the bar,” I said as I walked out. Yeah I stole that line. It’s funny. Because our phones have become our companions … our distractions … our ways of being together and separate all at once.

Because the fact of the matter is I’m not so sure any of us had the need to be there … we just had the need to NOT be somewhere else.

And It’s Him, Part Deux

To say that it gets complicated on this site I visit is an understatement. It doesn’t get complicated, it becomes a hot shitty. A mess of unhappily married men, looking to spice up their lives.

But I find myself returning. And this time I’ve found another who frightens me. He frightens me because I feel it again.

Damn I feel it. The same way I feel with Him. And we know how that ended, right?

I know I have a type. And I wonder, too, how I can learn to balance this.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, I’ll take the crazy any day.

The weird past is it doesn’t take long to figure out who it’s going to be, once they appear. Because I’ll stay up late to speak to him. Keep my phone near to chat with him. And fuck off everything else for a taste of his time.

Will I get my happily ever after? No. But is it worth the risk? Hells yeah. I’m in … again.

I don’t know much about his family yet. But I know about him. And it’s frightening how I feel right now – the adrenaline rush, the anticipation … the Him, part deux.

He said today how nice it was to be able to confide in someone again. I felt his introspection later when he spoke of college and his part – wistfulness that he made mistakes that can’t be undone.

He is communicating all the right things and wow … it’s gonna be wrong.

Here we go again. Hopefully I’ve learned more this time. We’ll just have to see.

And I Have Miles To Go …

I spent 2 1/2 weeks … away. No computer. No cell phone. Nothing … Well nothing and too much. But I had pen and paper. And when the music finally returned to my head, I knew it was time to begin writing again.

So … today … I will be typing. And trying to remember and forget all at once.